I Wish It Was Me
by batman40
Summary: Sorry for the repost - had a few errors I needed to fix. Note to self, don't post after a few glasses of wine.    Katbaby challenge. Steph sees evidence of another woman on Ranger.


_Katbaby's__ Dare... _

_Stephanie sees Ranger without a shirt on._

_On his back are nail marks. From a woman..._

_OK before anyone mentions it, this story starts out VERY similar to Harmnes Other Arms; but before you throw rocksI checked with her and she said it was ok and I also checked with Katbaby, being that the whole dare was her idea to start with. I hope you will find it different enough to enjoy! _Also I used some of the GHOSTBUSTER Challenge quotes even though I missed the cutoff.

Thanks to Melody aka Harme for her beta work and advice on this piece, any errors are mine.

_Warnings for language, angst and smut, JE owes it all, and I am standing here empty handed._

_I wish it was me_

Just as I rounded the corner I was hit with a spray of something wet to my face and chest. Lighter fluid.

Son of a bitch! _He slimed me_! I huffed as I dove towards the sprayer and plowed him in the chest, taking us both to the ground with a hard thump. I scrambled off of his chest and while he tried to catch his breath, I rolled him on to his belly and drove my knee between his shoulder blades, quickly grabbing his wrists and cuffing them behind his back.

My eyes were burning from the fumes coming off my neck and t-shirt, so I whipped off my shirt and used the dry back to wipe my face. The tingle up my spine wasnt from the fumes.

Babe, nice tackle.

_Nimble little minx, isnt she?_ Lester said. I like the new look.

Santos, Ranger growled.

Well, it was this or risk spontaneous combustion. I said as I scrambled off of my skip and turned my back to them. As much as I didnt mind Ranger seeing me in my fuchsia lace demi bra, Lester was another story.

Spontaneous combustion? Lester quipped, I do have that affect on woman.

Yeah Les, Im sure that happens all the time. No this in this instance instead of garbage, I got covered with something flammable.

Catching a whiff of the fumes coming off of me as he stepped closer, Ranger said Mio Dios, Babe, thats lighter fluid, that could burn your skin. Did you get any in your eyes? taking the t-shirt from my hand and turning my face up for his inspection.

No. I mostly took it in the chest. I used the back of my shirt to wipe the majority of it off, but my bra is soaked.

Here, put this on and take your bra off, I dont want you to get a chemical burn. He said as he whipped off his shirt and handed it to me.

I could give you a hand with that. Lester said as he moved in closer. Ranger apparently gave him a body block based on the oof I heard behind me. Hey, just trying to be helpful.

Perhaps you want to be helpful on the mats in the morning, say 6:00 am?

I pulled his shirt over my head, taking a moment to inhale Rangers sensual scent from the fabric and then pulled my arms through the sleeves to remove my bra. I turned to face him as he turned away to pull my skip up off of the ground... and thats when I saw them, scratch marks, from a womans nails, down his back.

I was paralyzed as I stared at the red streaks running from his shoulder blades to his waist. I just stood there, mouth gasping for air, trying to restart my brain, but nothing was computing. I could see nothing but red streaks in front of my eyes.

Ranger flipped his phone open after handing my skip over to Lesters care. _Hes an ugly little spud, isnt he? _Lester joked as he and my skip headed around the building.

Yo, have Bobby to meet me on 7. Stephanie got dowsed with lighter fluid; I want him to check her out, be there in 10.

You ready Babe? Babe? Steph? Are you ok? Did you ingest any of the lighter fluid? Can you breathe? As he tucked his hand under my hair and gently pushed my head down.

I held up my hand to stop him and somehow managed to drag a breath into my lungs. Yeah, Im ok. I dont need to go to Haywood, and I can drive home. Thanks for the help with the skip, and the shirt. Ive got it now. I dont need to bother Bobby. Im good. _my god shut the fuck up Steph. Youre babbling_. But I was frantically trying to get away. He gave my neck a little squeeze and pulled me to his naked chest. I stiffened involuntary. Shit!

Babe. he said, which translated to Lester is going to take in your skip and you are coming with me to Haywood so Bobby can check you out. Then he proceeded to march me around the building to the Cayenne.

I tried to stare straight ahead as we drove through the streets of Trenton towards Rangeman. Needing urgently to get my shit together, I squinted my eyes shut but quickly snapped them open again. Even though Ranger had replaced his shirt, all I saw when I closed my eyes were those marks. And every time I tried to take a deep breath to calm my rising panic I got another whiff of Ranger. I was suffocating on Rangers presence. While I frantically tried to choke down the sobs that were clawing their way up my throat, Ranger kept cutting his eyes to me but didnt say anything. Before I knew it, we were standing in the bathroom of his penthouse and he was pushing me towards the shower.

Ive got it from here. Really I said to him, trying desperately to get some distance.

Are you sure? You know Im really good in the shower. He said, and I tried to swallow my sob. It came out as a moan and he was immediately on alert again.

Babe, please. I can see you arent ok. What is it?

I just shook my head and reached to turn on the shower. Turning my back to him, I started to undress.

Im going to see if Bobbys here. I wont leave the apartment, so call me if you need me. He said as he stepped up behind me and placed a kiss to the top of my head. I nodded and waited for him to leave thinking to myself how desperately I needed him, then pulled the rest of my clothes off and stepped into the shower.

Big mistake; the smell of his shower gel did me in. That night, 'our' night, came flooding back, playing like a movie before my eyes. I could see the light reflected in his eyes as he looked up at me from between my thighs, his pupils dilated black, my breath catching in my throat. I could feel the tickle of his silky hair as he turned his head to kiss my hip, sending shivers up my spine. I rubbed my hand across my stomach and relived the delicious abrasion of his beard as he rubbed his cheek against my belly, and his warm breath on the underside of my breast as he moved up my body towards my lips. I arched into him without out conscious thought, my body wanting more of him. My body warmed just as it had that night as the weight of his overheated body stretched out on top of me. And my throat tightened with the same gasp as I replayed him easing himself inside me. But most cruelly, I remembered the moment it happened; the moment I raked my nails down his back as he pulled back the first time, not wanting to lose the fullness I felt, before he pushed back in with one long stroke. I could see it all. I could feel it all. But this time it wasnt my hands I saw. They were the hands of another woman marking his back while he did those same delicious things to her that he had once done to me.

And I know that he probably had other marks that I didnt see. The ones made when he pushed up onto his fist and threw his head back to roar his release. Marks made as she slid her hands down to his ass and pulled him more deeply into her.

Dropping to the floor sobbing, I buried my face in my hands. I wished it was me. I know I couldnt do the no strings relationship thing with Ranger. I loved him too much, but I still wished it was me.

I wish it was me, I moaned into my hands.

Suddenly I was yanked up by my arms and crushed against his chest. Reaching behind him and grabbing a towel for me, Ranger yelled for Bobby. Bobby raced into the bathroom, clearly confused by my drowned rat appearance.

Bomber, whats wrong! Bobby asked worry all over his face.

Im fine. I sniffed, Just emotional today.

You dont have any burns or blisters from the lighter fluid; well, that is from what I can see. You arent hiding any burns or blisters are you? he asked.

No. Im fine. My skin just feels a little irritated.

Well here, I brought you some cream for the dryness and irritation. You did the right thing getting out of your clothes and wiping off. Showering should take care of it. You sure you didnt get any in your eyes or swallow any?

No, really Im fine. Thanks Bobby. Im sorry Ranger dragged you up here for this.

Anything for you, Bomber; call me if you need me. Ok?

Ok. Thanks.

Bobby left. I just stood there, waiting. Ranger stepped back into me, his eyes still worried.

Babe, are you sure you are ok? he asked as he stroked my back and held me close.

_Ok, Steph, time to put on the big girl panties and deal with this_.

I wish it was me. I said.

He froze and pulled back from me. His eyebrows rose in question.

I wish it was me. I wish I was the one to put those marks on your back.

Babe. he sighed. He dropped his arms completely then. I

Do you wish it was me? I asked.

No.

And there it went. The last little piece of my heart, crushed to dust. No pieces big enough to pick up and super glue back together. Just dust. So this is what _I dont want you" feels like._ I nodded my head and tried to turn away. But he wouldnt let me go.

Ranger, its..

I dont wish it was you, because I dont love her. It was just a physical thing. It meant nothing.

Please Ranger, Ive made love to you. I know its not just a physical thing. Based on your back, youve certainly _ruined her for all other men, _I snarked, no longer in a pity me state of mind. No I was pissed. _It meant nothing. No, it means every thing, dammit._

Babe, dont mistake what we had that night with how I am with someone else. Do you expect me to believe youre the same with me as you were with Morelli? _Hhmmm__, was he getting pissy too?_

NoOk, then why wasnt it me? Ive been alone for months. Why dont you want it to be me? I said the words, but I was terrified of his answer. _Please want me, please want me. I chanted in my head._

I cant put you first in my life, not right now. And I wont give you less than you deserve. I just needed to do something to get rid of the emptiness.

Bullshit. You didnt put me anywhere - first, last, anywhere? What do I deserve? Do I deserve less than you? I wouldnt have turned you away. Dont you think I understand the emptiness? I said indignantly. No fucking way I was buying this 'what I deserve' crap. _If he wanted me, he would come to me, right? Not gone somewhere else._

Babe, he said as he reached for me again, but I took a step back and started picking up my clothes.

Dont Babe me. Thats bullshit Ranger and you know it. I pulled his t-shirt over my head and the towel. I had never argued with Ranger before. Well, I was arguing; he was stating his case in his normal calm voice. 

Babe, my life is not my own. But someday. The calmer he stayed, the more irate I became.

I jerked up and poked my finger in his chest. Someday may never come. What are you waiting for? Do you have some sort of date on the calendar that is someday? Now I was up on my toes trying to stare down my nose at him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what someday would have been like?

I cant give you what you need right now, he said, trying to make me see his reasoning.

What I need? Just what do you think I need that you cant give me? Did you ask me what I need? What I want? No, you didnt, or do you have our life all planned out. Like Joe had my life planned, like Dickie? Ranger physically jerked back as if Id slapped him with that statement. I know that wasnt really fair. Ranger was nothing like either Joe or the Dick but I was trying to make a point here. I reached behind me to pick up my underwear and pulled them on under the towel Let me ask you something ... What do you do when youre on a mission and things dont go the way you planned?

What? Ranger looked perplexed. Imagine that, I, Stephanie Plum, perplexed Carlos Ranger Manoso.

Answer me, what do you do?

Dawning flashed in his eyes. He knew where I was going with this. We improvise. Adapt, come up with a new solution.

I nodded my head. As I pulled on my jeans I said, Exactly. Ranger, you cant plan love. I want right now, today. I want what we can have now. I can handle whatever your life is, and I dont need you to put me first in your life, I just need you to put me in your life. I understand you have things that you have to do. When my day is over and Im dead on my feet, I want to come home to you. When the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I want to be able to share it with you. I couldnt believe I was saying these things to him, telling him what I wanted. Ive never told another person what I wanted, but this was too important. Ranger was too important. And Id like to think you would want to do that, too.

What could I need that you cant give me now? Your support, your companionship, your love? I have all of those. The only thing I guess I dont have is your commitment and fidelity. And with that I picked up my shoes and headed towards the front door.

Babe? He moved to stand in the bedroom doorway; putting his hands over his head on the frame. As I looked back over my shoulder at him, he shrugged. His fucking rigid code. He had convinced himself it wasnt the right time and until he did, nothing else mattered. I knew in that moment that I had lost.

Ranger, I love you, but Im not going to try to talk you into being with me. Ive been talked into 2 failed relationships. Talking doesnt work. You have somehow tangled up what you think I want and what I need. You have to decide what you want, but you need to know that I cant love you from a distance anymore. Ive done that for years. I need to be with you. I want to be with you. I turned and picked up my handbag and stepped out the door.

Thank god the elevator was already on the 7th floor when I pressed the button. I stepped in and walked to the back of the carriage, keeping my back to the camera in the corner as I dropped my shoes and bag. I knew the guys on the monitors could see me and I didnt want to display my misery. I cried silently, wrapping my arms around my waist and trying to keep my body from physically breaking apart.

The ride seemed to take forever. I wasn't sure Id be able to walk out of the elevator or the garage, much less walk home. I had just given Ranger an ultimatum, the very thing I hate most. I almost fell to my knees at the thought of pushing him away. No, wait, I had only told him what I wanted, not what he had to do...

_No dumbass, you told him you couldnt love him from afar, and you know Ranger makes up his own mind_." The doors dinged open and I snapped my spine into place. I would not crawl out of his building on my knees. I squared my shoulders and turned to head through the doors. The scent and sensation that are Ranger immediately hit me. _Fuck me!_ I didnt have enough composure left to face him now. So I just stood there, waiting for him to tell me hed take me home, no way would Ranger leave me in this state to fend for myself.

Youre right, Babe. I wouldnt leave you to fend for yourself. Then he scooped me up into his arms and carried me back into the elevator. When I heard the ding of the doors, I raised my head in question and he buried his nose in my hair. I am such an idiot, he said as he took a deep breath, nuzzling my neck, to live without you by choice. But I wanted to be the man you deserved, to give you the life you deserve.

You are the best man I know. I said and he pulled his head back to look at me. He slowly smiled at me.

You need to hang out with a better class of people if Im the best man you know.

Cant, I said reaching up pull his lips down to mine. Youve already ruined me for all other men.

He shook his head slowly, gently rubbing his lips over mine and said: Not yet, I havent.

But someday you will? I asked.

No, he said, now. And he captured my lips in a consuming kiss.

Now works for me.


End file.
